Audrey

On Friday February 9, 2024 at 815 pm, for one brief moment evil entered all of our world dimmed by nothing short of satanic darkness. Our sweet Audrey left this mortal earth. Taken down by forces so hellish he cowardly left no room to be fought.

But, despite her tragic ending, I would like to focus on the light and goodness that she infused into our lives. In the almost 2 years we worked together, I grew to love this lady. Short, petite but a spitfire of energy she welcomed me with open arms. Foolishly, with cocky pride I deferred her training- opting to stay close and ask questions. And for the next 22 months that is indeed what I did.

Even if I knew the answer, she was a safe space, a mental trampoline to bounce my ideas off of. Sometimes these hare-brained ideas were entertained. But, more often I was redirected to a better idea, a fresh perspective sometimes born from ancient thinking. Her trusty Rolodex unearthing less traditional road less traveled solutions. Sometimes it worked, and sometimes it was a defunct medical supply vendor now turned Chinese buffet. But it was worth dusting off that antique data base, if nothing else than to see wonderment and confusion on the Gen Z office counterparts-a seemingly Rolodexless existence.

Audrey knew everyone. There was not a resource she was not familiar with. Her brain worked in a mysterious fashion. Connecting the dots like a pro, following that bouncing ball of discharge needs, always ending in a slam dunk.

There was never a morning that she did not enter the office, without that raspy singsong inquiring salutation. Not an evening ended without a goodbye, safe travels, happy weekend. Never.

She remembered every detail, family member, animal or irrelevant aspect. It was a freaky rain man kind of talent that I envied as my aging mind struggled trying to fill in the gaping Swiss cheese holes of grey matter.

She had history with everyone. A backstory, a first meeting, an entertaining chapter that predated most of us. The common theme was each individual had their own unique importance to her. No enemies existed, no fallouts, no strained words and always positive accolades. There were times, my pessimistic self- born and bred Jersey style and the excuse for all my faults- would go on a rant, not proud of this- but it happened. She listened and then always offered a positive perspective.

In a world where most responses start with a sorrowful “oh Brooke, sigh…” this never occurred. She shared her optimistic offering ensuring that I felt heard and supported.

We definitely had different approaches in our practice, many times arriving at the same place. Mine was not wrong, nor was hers. But, we did both respect each other, our processes and methods.

She loved meetings. One of our last conversations we had was her saying how much she loved and looked forward to a Wednesday get together. It provided an opportunity for us to sit there and be with the whole team. Deep down, I had to agree- she was right. But, how foreign and odd is that notion.

Oh, how the Doctors loved her. she garnered me unearned street cred just by sharing a unit and office space.

We had fun, we laughed, she put up with my antics, my foul mouth ( working on this) my Jersey drawl, my ridiculous stories and my incessant questions. I got shushed on a daily basis.

Oh and we had parties! The best. Themed and coordinated. Always on board she was, whipping out her yummies and always the reliable side kick.

I never saw her outside the walls of the hospital. Our friendship and love was born in the hallowed sterile halls curated by problem solving and creative miracle making.

And now, my time with my friend, coworker, sister and teacher has ended. Her desk a shrine of aging flowers, a colorful mirage of photos of a life loved now gone.

I can torture my mind ruminating the anguished terrorizing final moments. Believe me it haunts me, sliding into my unsettled foggy dreams. But, I will choose instead to think of the gifts she unknowingly bestowed to me.

Don’t sweat the small stuff.

Do what you can when you can.

Hug and love on your patients.

Go the extra mile.

So many little lives and souls impacted and benefited by her long hours, her unhurried pace, her loving touch , her tender heart.

For a long time after my hiring, I questioned my place within the organization-with a one toe in, one toe out philosophy. I was operating in a glass half full mentality and had a bad case of “I don’t belong- itis.”

But I now understand why I am where I am. In the last few days of Audrey’s life ending the team came together in a way that only true family does. A sense of genuine sisterhood grew in the depths of despair. In her very notable and painful absence she left with me a curious amount of tranquility, a clear understanding of my place within this team and a gratitude that may have remained buried under my unsubstantiated resentments.

I miss her knowledge, strength, unwavering and unrelenting hope and laugh. Her humble nonchalance and unknowing humility towards her brilliance only made her more lovable.

And so now it is all on me… where I chose to go with this gaping loss in my life. I can see- saw in the hellish limbo of misery and madness or… just maybe I can live every day, every moment, every second to the fullest- trying to never allow the cunning destruction of evil to darken my light.

I love you Audrey. Thank you for your grace, your humor, showing us your momma bear love of your girls, your adoration of your precious dogs, your unwavering dedication to your patients, your loyalty and deepest respect to the Doctors and team- and just being authentically and unapologetically magnificent and marvelous you.

“When I die, I shall soar with angels, and when I die to the angels, what I shall become you cannot imagine”. Rumi